published in the Chicago Tribune, Tempo Section:

Just Reject Us Already
by Harlan Cohen

I want to take this occasion to send out a special thank-you to all the beautiful women who have rejected me over the years, especially those who rejected me quickly.

A thank-you goes out to the teacher at Starbucks who gave me a fake phone number. A thank-you goes out to the blond at the bar who said she was going to the bathroom and never came back. A thank-you goes out to the blind date who flat out told me, "You're just not my type."

All of your honest rejections helped free me up to meet my current love. And I've never been so happy.

Unfortunately, not all guys are so lucky. Too many women are afraid to reject guys, even ones they find horribly undesirable. Instead of being honest, these women will avoid rejecting a guy for weeks, months and even years, only to finally say what needs to be said.

In the meantime, the guy getting the runaround is busy running around planning a summer getaway and penciling you in as the leading candidate to fill the role of "and guest" for his best friend's wedding in August.

You call this "letting him down easy." I call it misguided compassion and prolonging the pain. Do us a favor. Reject us. If you're not interested, say something. Tell us, "It's not you, but me." Say, "I'm not ready to date." Opt for, "I think of you as just a friend." Just say something. Rejection is like a Band-Aid being removed from the skin. The slow tear is far more painful than a quick rip.

Don't worry about the hurt. We learned long before you that not every woman would want to hold us, touch us and spread love oils all over us. We can't make love to the world. But we will try. And we know we will get rejected. Don't protect us. Tell us. And if you want to tell us the exact reason -- that's even better.

Feel free to tell me that I'm not good-looking enough for you. It's OK. Then I'll know you only date ugly men. Tell me that I don't make enough money for you. That's fine. Then I'll know not to spend my hard-earned money on your dinner. Tell me that I'm not very funny. That's all right. Then I'll know you have a horrible sense of humor.

Say something, anything. Free me up for someone else. In fact, I could be talking to your friend, who is far more attractive than you, and laughs at all my jokes.

There's nothing nice about not rejecting someone. It's not kind. It's only a big waste of everyone's time. If you can't give us what we want, then stop being so cute and so coy. Tell us the truth. Please, reject us.

Copyright © 2004 Harlan Cohen