Welcome to Issue #9 of The Naked Roommate Newsletter -- THE NON-ALCOHOLIC ISSUE: With a Twist. I want to make something clear from the start - this is not an anti-drinking newsletter. You can drink all you want (just don’t be an idiot). I just ask that for the next couple of minutes you put your drink down while reading this newsletter. If that’s too long to not drink, then you might have a problem. No, I’d say you DO have a problem (click here for AA). If you can’t put the drink down because you have a can of beer Crazy Glued to your hand as part of your Halloween costume and can’t get it off, you don’t have a drinking problem, just a glue problem that needs immediate medical attention (get to your nearest emergency room).

Again, this newsletter isn't about judging people for what they drink or don't drink. It’s simply about highlighting not drinking alcoholic beverages. Sobriety in college is rarely celebrated. The news media doesn’t share stories of students being not wasted and sober. Instead, all we see are college students going wild and getting trashed. But sober students can get wild too (they’re just less likely to take their tops off on video). This issue is about celebrating the choice to not drink. And for those of you who drink because you've said that there’s nothing else to do, you can always play catch with a drunk person (I don’t mean tossing a drunk person, I mean tossing a ball, but never a bowling ball). You can also play “spin the drunk person” (where you spin a drunk person ‘til that drunk person falls). Or you can always play the game, “Cops! Run!” (this is especially fun when hanging out with underage drunk people). With that, I welcome you to The Non-Alcoholic issue. Bottoms up!

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NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE: THE MANY FACES OF FACEBOOK: What do you LOVE about Facebook? What do you HATE? Share the story of how you found love, found a stalker, found a friend, found herpes, or found something you never imagined (besides herpes) because of FACEBOOK. Only your college and year in school will be included. If you want to remain anonymous, just let me know when submitting your stories Sending your stories means that you grant Harlan permission to use your stories in The Naked Roommate Newsletter, online, in books, and anywhere else Harlan's writing appears.

THE STORY:
I choose NOT to drink because... I recently went to a wedding and to make a long story short, I ended up drinking so much that I forgot about the majority of the night, but what I was told was very bad. I wasn't just a different person from how I am sober; I was a different person than how I usually am drunk. I think someone put something in one of my drinks but since I was too drunk to notice, I have no way of knowing and I have no proof. My date (whose cousin got married) and his whole family were appalled at my behavior and they all view me differently now. I never saw drinking as a dangerous thing until that night, but now I don't plan on doing it any more at all. It may seem extreme; why wouldn't I just limit myself to only one or two drinks instead of stopping completely? Well honestly, I've had my fun with drinking and I know that after one drink my judgment may be altered to an extent that will keep me from stopping myself from getting a second drink, and so on. I can't believe I let myself get to the point that I did and I feel as though the only way I can avoid doing that again is to stop drinking completely.

While I am just now becoming one of the non-drinkers on a college campus, I am friends with enough non-drinkers to know the misconceptions. I think a lot of people assume that non-drinkers are childish or boring. That is so far from the truth. All the non-drinkers I know are much more mature than a lot of the drinkers I know. They have either had bad experiences that have stopped them from drinking or they never wanted to and have been able to resist the peer pressure. Also, they're not boring people at all. I go to school in a big city so it's easy not to drink because there is a lot more to do. The people I know who don't drink do not have trouble having fun.

THE STORY:
I choose NOT to drink because I have enough fun without alcohol. This doesn't mean I haven't ever tried drinking, because I have, but I just find things more enjoyable while sober. Over the years, I've been pressured to drink, and people usually won't stop harassing me until I pick up a cup. I don't even drink out of it, and end up just setting it down five minutes later.

The greatest misconception people have about students who don't drink is that we don't like to go out. Personally, I know a bunch of people who like to go out and have a good time, there just doesn't always have to be alcohol involved.

FINDING A DATE WHILE SOBER

Hooking up and sobriety don't often go hand-in-hand when in college. Typically, it's a beer in hand that leads to holding hands. The more someone drinks, the better that someone's chance of hooking up. But really, why is it so hard to find a date while sober? About 8 years ago, I discovered the answer to this difficult question.

It started when I was 23 years old. I was writing for the New York Daily News at the time. Throughout my teens and early 20s, dating and relationships had mostly been the product of a series of fortunate accidents. If I was in a room long enough, I’d hook up. If I was in a room with alcohol, it happened faster (not a good thing). What I discovered while writing my advice column is that most of the world finds love the same way. In fact, the majority of people in relationships have no idea where, when, why, or how the relationship happened. It mostly happened when they least expected it. The truth is that when it comes to sharing our feelings with someone we like, most of us are too afraid to tell that person how we feel. As a result, love is either a product of time, alcohol, or a combintation of both. Most people will wait months or years to say something to someone they like while sober. They wait until it's safe -- meaning they know they will NOT get rejected. Put a few drinks in these same people, and they can say what they feel when they feel it without fear.

What's so scary about taking risks while sober? I’ll tell you -- it’s called The Universal Rejection Truth of Dating and Relationships and few people can face it while totally sober. What is The URT of Dating and Relationships? It’s defined as the following: “Not everyone you like will always like you. Not everyone you want to hold you and touch you, and spread love oils on you will want to hold, touch, and spread love oils on you.” The idea that people you like won’t always like you isn’t a new concept (we’ve all been through high school), but the next part should be. While most of the world is aware of the risk of rejection, most of the world is also stuck in a state of Rejection Denial. Rejection Denial is a deep, dark, dangerous place where we think everyone we like should like us, and when someone doesn’t like us, there’s a problem. But the problem is that WE NEVER GIVE PEOPLE PERMISSION to not like us; that is, until we drink enough to forget to be afraid of The Universal Rejection Truth.

The more we drink, the less we fear taking risks because we numb our fear of facing rejection and The Universal Rejection Truth. Once drunk enough, people who were too afraid to express themselves moments earlier can find the courage to talk to that guy or girl in class. They can approach the guy or girl they’ve been poking on Facebook for months. They can say something to that guy or girl they’ve passed on campus 100 times. Once drunk enough, people express themselves without being afraid -- that is until they sober up and remember to fear The Universal Rejection Truth. And that's when things get awkward (more on this in the drunk issue in January)

So, if you want to find a date while sober, here’s how to do it. Start by coming out of rejection denial and give the people you like permission to not always like you. Next, take a good look at yourself wearing in the mirror while wearing a tight thong. If you’re not comfortable with what you see hanging out of your thong, change what you can change and embrace what you can’t. Then look at yourself wearing an emotional thong. Again, change what you can change and embrace what you can’t. Next surround yourself with people who can support you -- people who will tell you what you need to hear (not just what you want to hear). Unless you can get comfortable in your skin, and unless you surround yourself with people who will support you, taking risks and saying what you feel will be too scary. You will start to feel ugly, unattractive, and undesirable. And then, the only way you’ll be able to say what you feel is by getting so drunk that you forget how ugly you think you are (until you sober up).

If you can’t say what you feel while remaining totally sober, then take a step back and figure out what you need to do over the coming months so that you can get comfortable in your thong. This way, when Rejection Awareness Week 2007 arrives, taking risks will no longer be about risking rejection, but instead, pursuing passion and listening to your heart.

NOTE: I’ll share the rest of my story during Rejection Awareness Week - until then, take risks and give the world permission to not always like you while doing it. Instead of worrying so much about if someone likes you, you'll actually start to hear the words someone is saying and decide if YOU like the people who make your heart race.

Dear Harlan,

I work as a cocktail waitress with cocky and pretty girls. Everyone hangs out after work and bonds by drinking. I quit drinking (for the second time), so I haven't bonded. I'm also in my last university semester and have a heavy workload. Most of the girls work hard, but there's one girl who is extremely lazy. I have had serious problems with her. We're both new and work alone on the second floor. I don't want to say anything, because I'm worried everyone else would side with her. I feel insecure that I can't drink with everyone. In fact, this particular girl laughed at me when she found out, and one of the bartenders joined in. I feel like the odd one out, and it's making me depressed and bitter. Should I stand up for myself and risk confronting this girl, or let it go?