Welcome to Issue #22 of The Naked Roommate Newsletter: STD Family & Friends. This week I’ve decided to mix things up a bit and push back the RA edition to next week. It’s been brought to my attention that an unsavory group of spring breakers are hitting the beaches, bars, and bedrooms looking to raise hell this spring break. Because of this breaking news, I’m turning the focus of this week’s Naked Roommate Newsletter to STD Family & Friends (hometown, Crotchopolous). If you’re an artist and would like to illustrate Hank Herpes, Gina Genital Warts, Claudia Chlamydia or any of the other members of the STD Family & Friends, send me your renderings and I’ll post them on TheNaked Roommate.com. Now, I invite you to do The Chlamydia Jive and sing The Syphilis Song as we celebrate STDs (or STIs as some people call them). As always, I encourage you to please forward The Naked Newsletter to friends and family. Also, please come and join The Naked Roommate Facebook Group. Thank you!

NEXT WEEK’s TOPIC: What made your RA (resident advisor) so great? What made your RA so terrible? If you are an RA - Why did you become an RA? What's been the best part? What's been the worst part? Share ALL the details! Sending stories means that you grant Harlan permission to use your stories in The Naked Roommate Newsletter, online, in books, and anywhere else Harlan's writing appears.

THE STORY:
Gonorrhea is my favorite because it is fun to say. My ex has herpes, and he got it because he is a wrestler and apparently came into contact with it at some point...

Harlan here... I don't usually comment on TOTWs, but the only way your ex could get herpes while wrestling would be if he was wrestling someone naked while naked (or at least half-naked from the waist down). Note: naked wrestling is not a sanctioned NCAA sport).

THE STD FAMILY & FRIENDS BEACH PARTY IS HERE!

It’s that time of year when students across the country are packing their bags and heading to the beach for a little rest and relaxation. Breakers beware — there’s a group of men and women with sex on their mind itching to get into your pants. They thrive in moist and warm climates (they love the tropics). Crowded vacation spots filled with intoxicated and/or horny travelers are their favorite. The STD Family & Friends will make you burn worse than the 105 degree smoking hot Jamaican sun. Even the best protection can’t always shield you from the elements of these spring out-breakers. Watch out for the following members of the STD Family & Friends:

HANK HERPES (Mr. Popularity):
Hank Herpes is the big man on the beach. He goes by El Popularo (when on break in Mexico). His personality is infectious. He’s funny, smart, and a people person who gets around. Hank jumps at the opportunity to make new friends. Discriminating he is not. Once he meets you, he’s a loyal and lifelong friend. Once part of your life, he can be irritating at times. Should he get inflamed, watch out. That said, Hank is mostly easy to get along with and doesn’t make too much trouble. Spring break is Hank’s favorite times of the year (along with New Year’s Eve). Hank loves kayaking, jet skiing, and parasailing.

GINA GENITAL WARTS
Gina Genital Warts (a.k.a. Heidi HPV) is the second most popular spring breaker on the beach. She’s a party girl who has an insatiable appetite for affection. Sometimes easy to spot, other times nearly invisible, Gina is a tricky one to track. She likes to hide in dimly lit passage ways or around dark corners. She loves getting it on with women as much as men. Like Hank, once you make her acquaintance she’s a friend for life. Her favorite hangouts are the beach, the bars, and the cervix (she loves that cervix). Gina’s alter-ego is Heidi HPV. Heidi is a complete nuisance who makes serious trouble, manipulating everything around her. Gina/Heidi love karaoke, arts and crafts, and water sports.

CLAUDIA CHLAMYDIA
Claudia is a shy, but fiery gal. She’s silent, but extremely dangerous when no one notices her. Claudia can turn into a hothead. She has a temper and can get pissed. She’s prone to freaking out and trashing the place. She goes for the pelvis. When she strikes it can burn. She’s been known to attack so fiercely she causes sterility in some women (yes, she’s that dangerous). Should you spot Claudia in your pants, unlike Hank and Gina, Claudia is easy to remove. Hint: The girl can’t stand prescription drugs. Slip her the right one and she'll run like hell. Keep your eyes open for Claudia. If getting busy during break, consider seeping professional to help look for her (like a doctor). Claudia loves Karaoke and Clay Aiken music.

PAUL PUBIC LICE (a parasitic disease)
Paul is a cuddler. Some people would say he’s a bit too much of a cuddler. He’ll dig in and never let go. He’s almost a parasite who will suck the blood right out of you (do not lend this guy money, he’s relentless). The best way to get rid of him is to hose him down. Beware of Paul's good pal, Tim Trichomoniasis. Tim bites.

SACHA SYPHILIS
Not funny like Sacha Baron Cohen, the guy can make you crazy. The longer he sits the more insane he becomes. He’s not into drugs. If you want to see him run, just pop the right kind of pill (ask a doctor for the right pill to pop).

GARY GONNORHEA
GG (that’s what his friends call him) hangs out in warm moist places. He's a bad dude, often getting discharged. He's a real ball breaker (or ball acher). He too hates prescription drugs.

HIV VINCENT
He's closer than you think. Ignore him and he can take over and destroy your life. Most people in college are too scared to face him. Whatever you do, don't pretend like he doesn't exist.. Some of Vincent's best friends are teenagers who don't even know it.

HEPATITIS PETE
Big drinker, favorite food is chopped liver, and travels via waterways.

ATTENTION ILLUSTRATORS: Help the STD Family & Friends come to life! Send in your illustrations via email to me at: harlan@helpmeharlan.com

Dear Harlan,

The letter from "Shocked With Herpes" took me back 30 years, to when I got my herpes diagnosis. I thought I must have become the modern version of "Typhoid Mary." Who would ever want to be with me? I was depressed for a long time, because I knew I would have to notify prospective partners in advance of sexual activity. I did NOT want to do to others what had been done to me.

How to let them know? Over the past 30 years I have experimented with what words to use and when to present the situation. I think I've gotten it right, because I have had many wonderful sexual relationships during this period of time. Sex on the first date or two is OUT because (among other things) the "discussion" has to happen before anybody gets prone. It also has to occur with enough time for the guy to really think about what I have said. If he has questions, I answer them. If he decides to go ahead, then I know he's been sober and has considered it. Through the years, only one or two prospects decided not to proceed with the relationship. This is what I say:

"It looks like this relationship might be headed toward the bedroom one of these days, and there's something I wanted to discuss with you ahead of time. Is this a good time to have a chat? I carry the [genital] herpes virus. I have carried it for over 30 years, and to my knowledge I have never given it to ANY of my partners. (I wait for that to sink in.) My episodes are such that I can usually tell when they are about to happen. When I get certain redness or tingling, that means NO SEX until well after the symptoms are gone. By being super-attentive, I believe that this contributes to the lack of transmission in my case. That doesn't mean we couldn't still have snuggles, closeness and other types of sexual enjoyment during this time (big grin!). To be fair, there may always be a chance of transmitting the virus without my having symptoms, but, so far my method of dealing with this has not resulted in anybody getting it from me for the past 30 years." (Then I wait for questions.) I have found that one can be honest and upfront and that having herpes isn't the end of life as we know it. It just changes it a little.