Welcome to Issue #13 of The Naked Roommate Newsletter: Freakin' Finals — the final naked issue of 2006 (the nakedness resumes January 9, 2007). In the spirit of testing your lack of knowledge, answer the following question: What famous gangster with Chicago ties died of Syphilis? The first person to email me the correct answer will win my CD and book as a prize (the CD includes The Syphilis Song). Now, onto final exams. I hate them. I abhor them. I never liked them. I’d rather eat Taco Bell off the Jersey Turnpike than take a final (I wish all those recovering from E. coli a speedy recovery). I feel for all of you facing your final exam fate. To help ease the pressure during this freak-out time of the year, I’ve worked especially hard on this final finals issue. In addition to the regular Naked Newsletter accoutrements, I’ve launched a new Facebook group that’s up and running. I invite you to join the F.E.S. (Final Exam Stress) group. Members of F.E.S. are invited to rant, rave, bitch, moan, celebrate, contemplate, pontificate, procrastinate, post pictures, share links, share music, and share ANYTHING and EVERYTHING that will help ease the burden of Final Exam Stress. In addition, I encourage you to invite anyone else on the brink of an F.E.S breakdown to join. As always, I hope you continue to spread the nakedness with family, real-life friends, and "friends" in your online world. Of course, The Naked Roommate: And 107 Other Issues You Might Run Into in College is a great stocking stuffer as is my award winning CD, Fortunate Accidents. Peace, Love, and Happy Finals to you all!

NEXT ISSUE: STUPID DRUNKS - What’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever done or seen someone do while drinking? Share the entire story from first drink to the last kiss, black out, arrest, slip, fall, condom, or vomit. Only your college and year in school will be included. If you want to remain anonymous, just let me know when submitting your stories. Sending your stories means that you grant Harlan permission to use your stories in The Naked Roommate Newsletter, online, in books, and anywhere else Harlan's writing appears.

THE STORY:
I can't say that I am the best studier... all-nighters seem to do me well. My roommates and I usually pitch a tent at the library all week with lots of Polar Pops (think extra extra large sodas) and candy. Unfortunately we usually end up joking around and laughing hysterically at 3 a.m. high on caffeine and getting dirty looks from the other undergrads. But it works for us! The craziest thing my friends and I do to relieve stress is play the game assassin. We just started yesterday night at midnight. It's a lot of fun and a great excuse to get out of your room and forget about studying. Plus you get to run around and release some pent up energy.

If you don't know how to play here it goes...

1. We’ll assign teams of 3
2. Buy a water gun
3. Every team for themselves
4. The objective is to shoot (with water gun) members of the opposing teams. Eventually eliminating team members and the team itself till one team is left standing.
5. If you are shot by an opposing team member you are suspended from play for 24 hrs; you cannot be shot again or shoot anyone during this time. Once you are hit 5 times you are eliminated from the game entirely and your team is now down a player.
6. Game is not in play at parties, inside the homes of participants (you cannot shoot inside a home to the outside or outside a home to the inside; both participants' entire body must be outside of doorway; front porches are fair game), in a car, at work or within a classroom that is in session.
7. If you violate these rules every team member loses a life.
8. When you shoot someone, you must post this hit on the Facebook wall for this event so other players know who is eligible and who is not. Also, if there is a violation you must post these. It is also an easy way for us to keep track of teams and their members. Check out our Facebook event page, type in ASSASSIN, and you can check it out...

I HATE FINALS

I never liked finals. In fact, I hated them. One reason for my deep-seated hostility toward final exams is that they made me feel as if I was being tested. Maybe it was the “exam” part or the “test” part. I never appreciated being tested while participating in my optional education (college isn't required). It taints the learning process. If college is about pursuing a passion, why force students to study and regurgitate information on command? An inspired student should want to study. We shouldn't be forced to eat our vegetables. Forced learning cheapens the process. And I don’t like to feel cheap (not in the classroom).

For years, I saw final exams as obstacles. I stressed over them. I even had nightmares (I've been searching for the room for my Philosophy final exam for over 10 years). But I had to take them. So I did. I pulled all-nighters. I read the books. I watched movies for the books I couldn’t read with someone who read the book. I struggled to do what I hated to do. My resentment built, my anger mounted, but I succumbed to the Final Exam Monster. It’s taken years and a reoccurring nightmare (nope, still can't find the room from earlier in the blog) to understand what I now know but couldn’t articulate during my angry final exam days.

Final exams aren’t about the material. They are about the process, a process titled "DOING WHAT WE HATE SO WE CAN DO WHAT WE LOVE." The most successful people know how to do it. Anyone with a degree knows how to do it. It’s working out when we don’t want to, it’s cleaning urine off the bathroom floor when we don’t want to, it’s paying bills when we don’t want to, it’s doing what we hate to do so that we can do what we love.

The first year of college is the hardest in terms of taking final exams. We are forced to take classes we hate. Then we are forced to regurgitate information for the sake of regurgitation. We scream, we bitch, we moan, we complain, we question, we contemplate, we pontificate, but none of that makes it go away. And my advice? Do NOT fight it. Accept it. Finals can suck, but that’s how the process is designed. Instead of closing your mouth and throwing up your arms in protest, open your mouth and pour ketchup in it. Make the finals turd taste like chicken.

Once you chill out, remember these guidelines and enjoy the process. Use old tests, recent students’ insight, professors' insight, teaching assistants' tips, and those familiar with the class to guide you. Go to reviews. Talk to professors one-on-one and see if you can get some direction on what to study and how to study. A professor who knows that you care will help you and it will help set up later negotiations. When studying, make sure you study with people who know more than you. Ask them questions. Listen to them. Don’t use drugs or stimulants. Just do the work. Sleep before your exam (not during it). Once you finish your exam, remember a final grade is NEVER final. Poorly worded questions, subjective grading, a distracting environment — they all become grounds for extra points during your negotiation. Raise issue with the proctor before grades go out. When battling for extra points, be ready for the cliche, “If I do this for you, I have to do this for everyone.” DO NOT KICK YOUR PROFESSOR. Stay calm and in a passionate voice say, “If everyone cared as much as me, you’d have students lined up behind me.” Then look behind you. After a short pause, continue with, “I don’t see anyone who cares more than me.”

Two things before I wish you luck — sleeping on your textbooks will not help you absorb the information, it will only decrease the value of your books when you sell them back and they have drool stains. And if you need to scream, shout, bitch, moan, or just emote visit the F.E.S. Facebook Group. Good luck and happy finals.

Dear Harlan,

I'm a student at a highly competitive college and do pretty well in school. The problem is, a lot of other stuff gets in the way of my schoolwork. It starts with anxiety, which leads to insomnia and/or drinking. I've been in therapy for about a year (not including the counseling I have been in for the majority of my life), and I've made fantastic progress, but I still get really worked up. I can't afford to take on any more therapy. I also can't take on anything like yoga, because I don't have any time. I'm only 19, and I've had two ulcers. There's got to be another way besides anti-depressants.

Blinders, a metronome and the life expectancy of someone born in 1986 - that's what you need to get. See, when you're motivated and surrounded by fast- moving, competitive and smart people, it's easy to feel like you're always trying to catch up just to be average. That's when the anxiety starts. That's why you need blinders: to stop looking at everyone else and focus on yourself. After looking at yourself, slow your world down. Take the metronome and turn the ticks down from 10 beats per second to 1 beat per second. There's no rush. Which brings me to the life- expectancy part. Yours is 78.2 years (National Center for Health Statistics), 7.1 years longer than someone who is 35 years older than you. Now you have time - for yoga, to take a semester off, to take a year off, for one less class or one less club meeting. And you can still be and do whatever you want in life. If it takes an extra year or two, so what? Take care of yourself, slow down, sleep better (not hung over) and enjoy a happy life.