THE REGRETFUL CHEATER

THE TIP: The five minutes of physical happiness with someone else was absolutely not worth the pain that my actions caused.

THE STORY: In the first month of my freshman year, I met and fell in love with a junior. We had a great relationship, and things went well for nearly a year. And then little things started to go wrong - he wanted to be completely exclusive and serious, but I felt that he wasn’t giving me the kind of attention that a serious relationship of that level demanded. But I didn’t want to talk to him about it because I didn’t want to start any fights, so instead, I cheated. When he found out, he was absolutely heartbroken, and I felt like a first-class b*tch. But we decided to try again. We stayed together for another year, but things just weren’t the same, and we broke up for good last fall. Now that I look back on it, I realized that by cheating on him instead of talking to him, I ruined a beautiful relationship and lost someone I cared about very much. My advice is, don’t cheat. If you’re having problems in your relationship, do everything in your power to make things better, and if it still doesn’t work, don’t cheat and then lie about it - just break up! And then you’ll be free to do whatever you want without having to be dishonest with them or hurt their feelings. In the long run, it works out better for everybody involved. Cheating doesn’t just affect you and the person you cheat on - it affects your mutual friends, it affects the person that you cheated with - basically, it’s a huge headache that can be avoided through honest communication.

- Student, Kutztown University

THE FAILING OUT ROOMMATE

Dear Harlan, My roommate doesn’t wake up for her first class in the morning. The same problem happened for her last semester, so right now she’s on academic probation. My other roommate and I try to wake her up, but we’re conflicted. We’re both busy people, and our third roommate should be able to take care of herself; on the other hand, we really want to help her and would feel bad if she dropped out when we could have prevented it. We tried talking to her about it, but she just brushed us off with, “OK, OK, whatever.” Help! Right now we?re resorting to playing loud music in the morning, but we really don’t want to be a babysitter. - Don’t Want To Babysit

Dear Don’t Want To Babysit, Loud music, a wake-up service and a bucket of cold water isn’t going to do it. There could be a bigger issue here. When someone is sleeping too much, is avoiding work (classes) and is indifferent to things that used to excite her, there could be some kind of depression happening. I would alert any support staff. If there isn’t any support staff, I’d encourage her to talk to someone at the counseling office. If she won’t take action, make a call to her parents and let them know you’re worried. I have a feeling this is more than just oversleeping. Speak to those issues. Then do your own thing and let her suffer the consequences. She’s an adult - who will soon be back at home.

LIVING WITH A SNORER?

THE TIP: If your roommate snores, clap your hands once or twice and the noise should stop for a little while.

THE STORY: I came to college thinking I would be able to sleep better than I did at home, being that I shared a room with family members that snored. I was wrong on all counts! When my roommate is very tired or drunk, she snores most of the night, waking me up from out of a deep sleep. I knew, from past experiences, that loud noises can jolt a snorer just enough to stop their snoring, but yet, keep them from waking up. I tried this technique on my roommate and guess what… it worked!

- Freshman, Murray State University

FRESHMAN BREAK

Dear Harlan, I am in a relationship with a great woman, whom I love dearly. My concern is that I might not be “in love” with her. I want to be with her, yet at the same time I am torn. We have little fights and arguments, but nothing totally out of the ordinary. She is a freshman in a college that is 350 miles away from me, so it’s difficult to see her face to face. This also plays a slight role. We have come to the conclusion that we need to take a break, but it hurts her to even think of losing me. I don’t want to lose her, yet I don’t know if we can work together. Torn Apart

Dear Torn Apart, Your letter is a testament to all women (and men) that the idea of “it’s not you, it’s me” is true. A breakup can have nothing to do with the other person being desirable or attractive. In your situation, it’s YOU figuring out what you want and what you need. It can be a painful process, but in the end, if you go through it, you’ll figure it out. Doing the right and most sensitive thing can mean doing the hard and painful thing in the short term. If you should end up losing her, trust that you will find someone else. And the next time around, you’ll have a much better sense of what it feels like to be loved and what it feels like to be in love. It can take having a few relationships to know what feels right and what feels wrong. When it does feel right, it will be something you’ll want to hold on to forever. Bottom line - you’re doing the right thing.

KISS AND TELL

Dear Harlan, Do you ever feel like people are listening to your conversations while in public? Well, the reason I ask this is because today I was walking with my friend and I was telling her about this guy who I like and how he kissed me this past weekend. This guy knows a lot of people on campus, and I am just paranoid that someone he knows overheard the conversation. I know this probably doesn’t make sense to you, but I’m afraid that someone is going to tell him what I was talking about. And then the guy I like will not want to hang out with me anymore.  - People Are Listening

Dear People Are listening, Yes! I have the feeling because people are always listening. I know I am. If someone speaks in public about private issues, I’m tuned in and taking notes. I’ll listen at coffee shops, in elevators, at restaurants and on airplanes. It can be people walking, talking or eating together, or people on the phone. Sometimes I’ll get tired of listening if a conversation doesn’t hold my attention. No offense, but I have a strong feeling your conversation wouldn’t hold many peoples’ attention; it’s not that interesting. It might be a big deal to you, but it’s not to most people. And even if someone overheard this kissing story, it’s not like you’re talking about an unplanned pregnancy (much juicier). You’re excited about a guy, and if he has a problem with that he shouldn’t have been kissing you. Don’t worry - but expect that people are listening. I am.

FILE UNDER “STUPID”

College is about creating a world where you have endless options. One option is to do stupid things. My philosophy has always been, “Be smart about being stupid.” For example, if boating down a river in a kiddie pool on Friday night never attempt to go over the falls. . .

* * * * *

THE BOSTON GLOBE KEENE, N.H. - A Keene State College student who got caught in a river current after going over a dam in an inflatable pool has been released from the hospital and is doing fine, his friends said. Alex Perry was treated for exhaustion and hypothermia after he and a friend tried to maneuver the Ashuelot River Park falls in the kiddie pool Friday evening. The pair had spent the afternoon floating along the river’s lazy current as it winds through the campus and debated for a while whether to go over the falls, said sophomore Samuel Wood, 21, of Laconia, who decided at the last minute to head for shore instead. Perry, 18, and Corey Loonan, 19, headed over the falls. Wood said a crowd gathered, with some urging them to go for it and others warning that the falls were more dangerous than. - READ ENTIRE STORY

COMING OUT

THE TIP: Coming out can make a strong friendship even stronger.

THE STORY: This guy I have known since the 6th grade, who is now one of my best friends, is gay. We dated in 8th grade and 10th grade. Obviously, I didn’t know he was gay, but he didn’t either. I was the last girl he dated, so I was always made fun of for “turning” him, but I didn’t; he was just confused when we dated. He found himself, but he couldn’t come out to me because he didn’t want to hurt me. He thought that if I knew, it would change my opinion of him and we would stop being friends. However, I actually knew, from other people telling me. He finally came out to me senior year on our choir’s trip to Chicago. He was so nervous, but he didn’t need to be; I would accept him anyway he was. Once we talked about it, our friendship grew so much more; we become closer and more comfortable with each other. Him coming out resulted in a healthier relationship for both of us.

- Freshman, Oakland University

THE POWER WITHIN

Dear Harlan, I always had this sense, when I was younger, that I was meant for something great. I was a member of every society and was getting straight A’s at school. I had the best friends anybody could ask for. In the past two years, though, I have spiraled out of that life and into one full of depression, self-loathing and academic failure. I still have amazing friends, but I fear that it is not enough to constitute a meaningful existence. I keep trying to tell myself that it will all work out OK, but I’m not sure how it can. When your world is caving in on you, what can you do about it? How can we defeat the powers that are greater than ourselves? - Rebecca in England

Dear Rebecca, The obvious answer is: When you’re powerless, turn to professional help so that you can find hope. Start with this, but there’s more. Realize that focusing on outward measurements to affirm your self-worth will leave you on an endless search for meaning. Instead, redefine greatness. Come up with your own definition. Make it something attainable. Do NOT measure it by what others think, say or do, but by what you think, say and do. One example of greatness can be giving of yourself on a regular basis. The action plan can be to volunteer to teach children to read, for example. The reward will be impacting lives and showing someone that you care. With each level of greatness achieved, you can raise the bar higher and achieve more. Awards, grades and accolades are what others give to you. Meaning is something you give yourself. Work to attain greatness, and lean on professionals who can help to find a new, healthier and brighter way of looking at the world.

WEEKEND SEX

Dear Harlan, My virginity was one of those things I never really stopped to think about; it was just there. Most other girls my age (I’m a sophomore in high school) are virgins, so I never felt odd about it. Around a month ago, I had a sleepover with my best friends. I’ve had feelings for one of them basically since the day I met him. I knew he didn’t have feelings for me, so I never mentioned it. After our other friend fell asleep, we were goofing off, and he ended up making out with me. He confirmed that he only likes me as a friend, but asked me if I wanted to go further. He made me promise that nothing we did that night would change our friendship, and I ended up giving him my virginity. The next day he began dating the girl he’s “loved” for a long time, and when she asked if he was a virgin, he lied and said yes (she still doesn’t know the truth). Now, I’m not sure I regret it. I know I probably should, as giving my virginity to a guy who doesn’t love me wasn’t the smartest thing to do - not to mention the fact that it caused a major pregnancy scare - but I still care deeply about him and want to continue our friendship. Our school is very small, so it literally would be impossible for me just to find another group of friends. Any advice as to what I should do? - Lost It

Dear Lost It, Get tested for chlamydia, HIV and other sexually transmitted infections the next time you go to the doctor. If this guy lied to his new girlfriend, he just as easily could have lied to you. With 1 in 4 teenage girls testing positive for STDs (many have no symptoms), you need to be way more careful. Now that you know that sex is something that’s so deeply emotional, choose more carefully who you’ll be with. The physical act is just that - physical. But the emotions tied to the experience linger for a long time to come. Assuming there’s no lingering sexual souvenirs, call it a lesson learned, and reclaim your virginity. Save sex for someone who matters.

STUPID DRINKING TIPS

THE TIP: When going out for a night of drinks, follow these four guidelines and you can avoid being stupid:

1. Don’t be stupid. If trying a new drink, don’t have a lot the first time until you know how you react to it. If your friends flag you, it’s probably for a good reason. Stop drinking. This includes not going to additional parties after being flagged in search of more alcohol. You’re drunk enough, and if you don’t feel it now, you will later. Trust me.

2. Don’t be stupid. Drinking on an empty or relatively empty stomach is a bad idea. Yes, alcohol will affect you sooner and you won’t have to “waste” as much, but listen to your stomach. It’ll thank you.

3. Don’t be stupid. If you are already having trouble walking, don’t walk home alone. Have someone come with you. Once you get to your room, go to bed. Don’t go in search of friends; it just drags more people into your not-so-pretty little mess.

4. Don’t be stupid. If you throw up, open the windows and turn on a fan. Air it out. Clean up after yourself. Don’t just go for the obvious location of spillage, check any potential place, including where you had to walk in order to get to your final vomit resting place.

- Female Freshman, Muhlenberg College