Wife
Makes It Clear:
If The Porn Doesn't Go, She Will
Dear
Harlan,
You asked, How a couple can overcome the use of pornography?
My husband and I are Christians with rather strict moral convictions.
I found out that my husband had a problem with porn when I
came home unexpected one day. It was devastating for both
of us. He was humiliated, as was I. We took the Internet out
of our house for a while, and things seemed to be fine. After
some time, we had to get the Internet because of my occupation,
and he did not have the password, so he couldn't be online
unless I logged in. He went to such great lengths as to find
a free Internet source to be able to log in without my help.
I asked him how he was doing with it one day, and he flat-out
lied to me (worse than having the porn problem). One day,
when I came across some tracks of porn, I searched through
the computer and confronted him on what I had found out. We
had about a week without talking or touching or anything.
Then we finally sat down to talk, and I very seriously let
him know that he will lose me over this issue. I put Bsafe
Internet filtering software on the computer, and I monitor
him closely now. He also meets with a few friends who have
the same struggles. It's almost been a year now since he has
looked at porn. He told me the other day excitedly that this
is the first year since he was 11 years old that he has gone
without porn. A lot of guys he talks to think I went overboard,
that it is just a struggle that guys have and that there is
nothing that can be done about it. My husband is nothing but
grateful for my reaction, though.
I never got angry or cried in front of him; I was just hurt
and upset. I spoke to him with a clear head, and my words
were well-thought-out. He knows that I really will leave him.
I am not afraid to be on my own. No matter how much I love
him, I can't send the message that he can do what he wants,
because I do believe that one day he would cheat on me with
another person if he continued to look at porn. My husband
looks at it as an addiction, and I wish more people were able
to see it that way. Our marriage is so great now. There will
always be an element of trust missing, but sometimes I feel
like that is something that will keep our marriage safe. We
grew stronger out of it in the end, and there is nothing to
hide and nothing that can be embarrassing. Thank you for listening.
Working
Past the Porn
Dear Working Past the Porn,
Thanks for sharing something so personal.
You made it clear - if you don't respect me, I will leave
you. And you were willing to leave. Thankfully, he loves you
more than he loves porn. That said, I know a lot of people
are going to have a problem with the concept that every partner
who looks at porn will ultimately cheat. There's nothing to
support this. But what's irrefutably true is that the moment
a partner begins lying, sneaking and keeping secrets is the
moment porn goes from being a diversion to being destructive.
