Woman
With Herpes Shares Perfect Script
For Baring Herpes Truth
Dear
Harlan,
The
letter from "Shocked
With Herpes" took me back 30 years, to when I got my herpes
diagnosis. I thought I must have become the modern version
of "Typhoid Mary." Who would ever want to be with me? I was
depressed for a long time, because I knew I would have to
notify prospective partners in advance of sexual activity.
I did NOT want to do to others what had been done to me.
How to let them know? Over the past 30 years I have experimented
with what words to use and when to present the situation.
I think I've gotten it right, because I have had many wonderful
sexual relationships during this period of time. Sex on the
first date or two is OUT because (among other things) the
"discussion" has to happen before anybody gets prone. It also
has to occur with enough time for the guy to really think
about what I have said. If he has questions, I answer them.
If he decides to go ahead, then I know he's been sober and
has considered it. Through the years, only one or two prospects
decided not to proceed with the relationship. This is what
I say:
"It
looks like this relationship might be headed toward the bedroom
one of these days, and there's something I wanted to discuss
with you ahead of time. Is this a good time to have a chat?
I carry the [genital] herpes virus. I have carried it for
over 30 years, and to my knowledge I have never given it to
ANY of my partners. (I wait for that to sink in.) My episodes
are such that I can usually tell when they are about to happen.
When I get certain redness or tingling, that means NO SEX
until well after the symptoms are gone. By being super-attentive,
I believe that this contributes to the lack of transmission
in my case. That doesn't mean we couldn't still have snuggles,
closeness and other types of sexual enjoyment during this
time (big grin!). To be fair, there may always be a chance
of transmitting the virus without my having symptoms, but,
so far my method of dealing with this has not resulted in
anybody getting it from me for the past 30 years." (Then I
wait for questions.) I have found that one can be honest and
upfront and that having herpes isn't the end of life as we
know it. It just changes it a little.
Older
and Wiser
Dear Older and Wiser,
This is the perfect response. I should also include that,
for someone to use the script you provided, the person must
be comfortable with his or her diagnosis - getting comfortable
takes time and a loving support system.
comment
in the Herpes Blog
