It's
Not About Porn, But About How Her
Dream Man Uses The Porn
Dear
Harlan,
I recently married the person of my dreams. Every aspect of
our relationship seems to be more than perfect, except one
very important issue. He looks at porn and has naked pictures
of his ex-girlfriends. If I ask him about it, he always tells
me the truth - even when he knows that I will be upset. I've
been dissatisfied with our intimate relationship for a while,
but he keeps telling me it will get better. It never does.
I reached my breaking point after walking in on him looking
at porn - after not having had sex for a long time. I have
been trying to be supportive and help him through this stressful
period (he's been looking for a new job and interviewing).
I have expressed this to him, but he tells me he's just releasing
stress and that it has nothing to do with us or me. I have,
of course, had boyfriends who looked at porn before, and it
didn't really bother me because they didn't look at it every
other day and always preferred to be with me. However, this
is not the case with my husband. I'm hurt and unsure what
to do.
Wife
Dear Wife,
Speak to the stress - not so much the porn.
At some point of his life, probably before you entered the
bedroom, porn became a way for your man to relieve stress.
It's NOT about you being attractive or his desire to fantasize
about sex with strangers (or exes), it's about escaping reality
and coping with stress. Stressing the stress should help you
avoid being offended and allow you to speak to the bigger
issue: His way of relieving stress is creating stress for
you and putting a strain on the relationship. So, talk to
him, but avoid making it about only porn and guilt. Make it
about the porn in the context as a stress reliever and how
it's shutting him off from your intimate relationship. Then
focus on ways he can relieve stress without going missing
in the bedroom. If he can't curb the porn, he needs to get
help. There's therapy, SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous, www.sexaa.org)
meetings, and books and workbooks by Patrick Carnes. If he
wants to stop and can't stop - that's a sign of an addiction.
