Self-Doubt
Lingers In Post-Abusive
Relationship
Dear
Harlan,
I started dating a guy six months ago. Two weeks after we
met, he went into the National Guard for six months of training
(in another state). At first, I was scared to start a relationship
because I had previously been in a very abusive relationship
while in graduate school. I told him it might take me a while
to trust anyone, but I fell in love. My guy began writing
letters saying how much he loved me and wanted to start a
life together when he gets back (in August). We were planning
to wait for each other until he returned, but recently we
had a fight. He was frustrated and felt like he had to "prove
to me that he loved me." We have not talked for almost a month.
I feel terrible. I blame myself for this. I am so mad at myself
and hurt. I don't want my previous abusive relationship to
haunt me. I want to learn to love again.
Unsure
Dear Unsure,
You should applaud yourself, not beat yourself up. You've
been honest with your emotions with this guy from the beginning.
The alternative would be bottling up your feelings, and you're
finished with that. As a survivor of an abusive relationship,
it's natural to think you've done something wrong, but you're
not wrong. The right partner would listen and be patient.
Instead of this man in your life, what you need is a strong
support system. Find a domestic-violence support group in
your community and connect with survivors and professionals
who can be there for you. The more support you have, the stronger
you'll become. The stronger you become, the less likely you'll
be to second-guess yourself into another unhealthy relationship.
Bottom line: You're not wrong, you're just strong. Applaud
yourself.
