Smart Professors Know That Even The Smartest Students Ask Dumb Questions

Dear Harlan,

I often want to talk to professors about intellectual ideas, but I find myself clamming up and feeling extremely vulnerable when I go to talk to that person. I'm OK in class and in a lot of social situations, but then I go to talk to a professor, and it seems like I'm hypervigilant and looking for any sign that the person doesn't really want to hear my question and discuss it. I wind up leaving professors' offices without asking the questions that are really on my mind. So I retreat to sending e-mails instead. I know e-mails aren't as good as, or as satisfying as, face-to-face conversations, so I try to do the face-to-face thing, but then I clam up. It feels so stupid - all I'm doing is talking about intellectual things, not personal stuff. Yet it feels like I'm talking about personal stuff in the way that I feel like I'm taking a risk in opening myself up to the other person intellectually. It's really making it hard for me to get the mentoring I need in graduate school. I love what I'm doing in graduate school, but I really could use some mentoring to help keep me moving toward my goals.

Need Help

Dear Need Help,

Unless you get the dumb things out, the smart stuff won't be able to get out either. See, it's like your intellectual plumbing gets clogged. If students knew everything, there would be no need for professors. And it's the students who know the least who are the most valuable for professors, so talk to them. If your professor makes you feel like you're stupid, tell your professor that the way he or she responded made you uncomfortable. Then tell him or her how you get intimidated when approaching but you want to have a good relationship. Once your fear is out in the open, you'll be able to talk freely. If you find that your professor is a totally insensitive SOB, find another student or someone else in the department to help.

Nervous Sex

Dear Harlan,

I was in a committed relationship that lasted more than two years. She was the first woman I had sex with. Between her family moving away and a long-distance relationship in college, we decided to just be friends and still keep in touch. Now, I am starting to get serious with another lady after being single for about eight months. Things are going great and we are growing really close to each other, as well as to having sexual experiences. This time around I'm nervous — nervous that I'm not very good at sex, nervous that it will not be very good for her, and that I won't be able to perform. All these thoughts are running through my mind when we are intimate. Am I doing this wrong?

Committed College Student

Dear Committed,

You're doing it too fast. Let me clarify — you're not doing IT too fast — you are going too far physically too fast. The most intense part of an intimate relationship isn't the physical connection, it's the emotional connection. Connecting emotionally means encouraging her to be who she is and her wanting you to be who you are. It means talking about your likes and dislikes while clothed and unclothed. It means getting comfortable with the uncomfortable, knowing that what you share will bring you closer — not push you apart. Keeping secrets is what causes break-ups. For all you know, your new girlfriend is secretly feeling just as insecure about her performance and wants to be with a man who she can talk to. When you do this talking, make sure to also talk about birth control, sexual souvenirs and anything else that's on your mind.

Being Drunk Is Not An Excuse For Having Sex

Dear Harlan,

While I was on a relationship break with my boyfriend, he ended up having sex with a girl who had a crush on him. He claims that there were no feelings involved, and to be frank, she kind of took his pants off and got on top of him while he was lying down. I heard somewhere that being drunk doesn't make you have sex, but that it's the feelings that take place before having sex. Is that really true? Is it possible to have drunk sex with someone you don't want to have a relationship with and/or like? Can it really be "an accident" if someone else makes the first move?

Ex Sex

Dear Ex Sex,

An accident would be two cars bumping on a slippery road at an intersection, not two drunk people bumping in bed after getting sloshed at a bar. If he didn't want to have sex and she took his pants off, it's not called an accident — it's called assault. A better description of this event would be "poor judgment." As for having sex void of meaning and a future, that's definitely possible. But this

doesn't mean that once the sex ends, the relationship is in the past. Pregnancy, sexual souvenirs and hurt feelings can keep people connected long after the buzz wears off and the clothes go back on.