Nervous Sex

Dear Harlan,

I was in a committed relationship that lasted more than two years. She was the first woman I had sex with. Between her family moving away and a long-distance relationship in college, we decided to just be friends and still keep in touch. Now, I am starting to get serious with another lady after being single for about eight months. Things are going great and we are growing really close to each other, as well as to having sexual experiences. This time around I'm nervous — nervous that I'm not very good at sex, nervous that it will not be very good for her, and that I won't be able to perform. All these thoughts are running through my mind when we are intimate. Am I doing this wrong?

Committed College Student

Dear Committed,

You're doing it too fast. Let me clarify — you're not doing IT too fast — you are going too far physically too fast. The most intense part of an intimate relationship isn't the physical connection, it's the emotional connection. Connecting emotionally means encouraging her to be who she is and her wanting you to be who you are. It means talking about your likes and dislikes while clothed and unclothed. It means getting comfortable with the uncomfortable, knowing that what you share will bring you closer — not push you apart. Keeping secrets is what causes break-ups. For all you know, your new girlfriend is secretly feeling just as insecure about her performance and wants to be with a man who she can talk to. When you do this talking, make sure to also talk about birth control, sexual souvenirs and anything else that's on your mind.