Husband's Porn Problem Revolts Wife
Hi Harlan,
How can I tell my husband in a way he will understand how I feel about his collection and use of pornography? We have talked about it several times, and he doesn't understand. I don't want him to see me naked, and I hate it when he touches me. I don't even enjoy sex, because I know he's not thinking of me. I'm embarrassed about my body because I can't compete with girls that are stuck in his mind. I'm studying criminal justice and am scared that my husband could be some secretive sicko (use of pornography is a pattern among criminals). Some of the porn I've found was nasty, and I feel so gross when I think about it. I get sick every time I see something that reminds me of porn (I've even vomited). I'm tired of being sick to my stomach. I'm so depressed and hurt. How can I make him understand?
How can I tell my husband in a way he will understand how I feel about his collection and use of pornography? We have talked about it several times, and he doesn't understand. I don't want him to see me naked, and I hate it when he touches me. I don't even enjoy sex, because I know he's not thinking of me. I'm embarrassed about my body because I can't compete with girls that are stuck in his mind. I'm studying criminal justice and am scared that my husband could be some secretive sicko (use of pornography is a pattern among criminals). Some of the porn I've found was nasty, and I feel so gross when I think about it. I get sick every time I see something that reminds me of porn (I've even vomited). I'm tired of being sick to my stomach. I'm so depressed and hurt. How can I make him understand?
Disgusted and Revolted
22 Comments:
you just need to get over it, porn making you puke is pathetic. which brings me to my next point, on average in australia, every person squeezes 4 lemons per year. which means you should watch the porn with your husband, you might get a few pointers.
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LOUD NOISES!
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This is one of the dummest things I've ever read.
Your husband will NEVER understand. Porn is just porn. Be happy he's not seeing a prostitute.
i can't believe what i'm reading in these comments! i apologize, ma'am, for the ignorance of these people. this is obviously an important issue and i want you to know that your very valid concern has connected with at least one soul out here. my advice is to, if you haven't already, be absolutely 100% straight-forward with him about how this makes you feel. give him examples, such as you gave in your question. in addition, you and your husband need to see a counsellor. from what it sounds like, this is not an option if you want this to get better. you two must get help from someone who is qualified to do so. obviously, the jerks who commented on this site are not the ones to turn to. keep strong, make sure you have friends/family who can help you through this, and remember why it is you fell in love with your husband in the first place. also, if you are not a praying woman, now would be a good time to become one. if i could hug you right now, i would. much love to you.
Wow! Someone definitely needs some counseling, and its not your husband. Babe you got some serious issues and until you address them your going to feel sick for a long time and then your marriage will fail.
What does you criminology course say the percentage of men is that watch porn and DONT commit crimes.
I bet it doesn't.
I am a father of 4, been married for 15 years and love my porn. I don't molest, rape or sexually assault anyone. My wife doesn't have the same sex drive as I do, and its cool and I understand.
She is the total opposite of every "porn actress" ( and I use that term very loosely lol) but I am not thinking of them when we make love. I don't even think she is thinking about the male actors when we watch a porn movie and then have sex. Maybe she is. It wouldn't bother me.
The fact that you wont let him see you naked (because if you were 500 lbs and the ugliest women on the planet, there is not a porn movie in the world to compensate for that) and wont let him touch you, this me to believe that he feels shunned.
I am willing to bet, that you are also unwilling to please sexually or do the things give him any pleasure during sex. Hell I bet you wont even tell him what you want him to do during sex, or what he's doing wrong or right for that matter.
Bottom line is that if you keep thinking he's some kind of sicko, and acting like the frigid bitch that you have been, he will either find someone else to please him or leave you all together. Get some counseling for yourself because you really need it, then some with your husband. Marriage is a give and take relationship and I see your not giving it on the sexual side and he's taking it from the porn he's has.
Good luck.
Just another porn sicko
I agree with the self-declared porn sicko above. There are some deeper at issues at hand. The biggest one is your insecurity and the inability for either you or your husband to effectively communicate in the bedroom or elsewhere. Perhaps you should check out what Dan Savage has to say about men and porn.
Men just doesn't understand that most women have a distaste for porn. My advice is to sit down your husband and talk to him. Give him examples of why you don't like and why you won't let him touch you. Confess your vomiting and explain the reason why. He probably doesn't know why you acting the way around him. Don't let some cheap bad films drive a wedge in your marriage. Talk. Communicate. That's the only thing the fix problems between two people is talking it out. Anyway, that's just my two cents
I'm afraid the men in these replies have taken a very condecending and unhelpful tone. I'd like to give you a somewhat different male perspective and say that you definitely have a right to the feelings that you have and you should not just "get over them." However, you are making presumptions about your husband that may or may not be true, and this may make him very defensive.
I can only speak for myself, but I watch a lot of porn. When I am intimate with my girlfriend, I am not thinking of the porn, or the girls in it. Quite the opposite, when I am watching porn, I'm thinking about having sex with my girlfriend. Porn is a rather poor substitute for intimate sex with someone you love.
I have to agree with the comment that communication is the key, but I have to add that you should not only try to make him understand your distate, but also try to understand what he likes so much about it. This will be an unexpected question for him, so give him some time to think about it, and don't take answers like, "It's porn, all men like porn."
If you really press him to explain what he likes about it, the answers may surprise you and could range from, "I watch because I don't want to put sexual pressure on you," to "I like [insert "nasty" sex move]." Find out what kinds of porn he likes and dislikes (because all men have opinions).
What you discover may revolt you further, and whatever you do, don't let him make you feel guilty. But listen to him, and try to keep an open mind. It will help a lot. If you try to understand what he likes about it, he will feel less defensive when you explain what you dislike about it.
Of course, this is all assuming that your husband uses pornography in the way that most of us men do. That is to say, as a substitute when the real thing isn't available. If he is actually turning down sex with you to go into the next room and watch porn, he may have a legitimate problem. In that case, he may need the same kind of help that an alcoholic would need, but don't jump to that conclusion just because it disgusts you.
Well, this is all just one guy's opinion. Hope it helps. Good luck.
Men are visually turned on... and think about sex like at least ever minute of every day..:)
And hey it does not do anyone any harm, it helps some poor struggeling student pay for her sick mother/boob reduction/docterate.. (exc child thats just wrong) so why not just try embrase it.. I dare you, next time you see that glint in his eye as he makes his way to the computer, head up stairs and put on as little as possible and go sit on his lap. Men watch porn because they fear asking to have sex again and dislike rejection.. spice it up.. sex can get exiting again, you just gotta work (really hard) at it...
Porn is expensive, time consuming and GROSS. All the people who say you should get used to it are trying to force their opinion on you, you are aloud to hate it. You can feel any way you want and if your partner doen't like it you can move on. Stop feeling guilty, bad and sick and take action. You are in control of you.Let the rest of the posters who don't mind it hook up with your man.They can get their kicks together while your out interacting with real people.
There are always choices... and both are making some; I wonder if either has thought them through? One aspect that solifies marriage is respect, another respect, and another - one of my favorites - that can heat me thoroughly, is (you got it): respect. Hubby likes porno? My guess he's a man. (I respect that) He leaves it out and around his primary female whom (one would think) he wished to be devoted to him? He doesn't have much forethought. Continues to keep this stuff as primary (as in she knows he prefers it to her) after she's expressed the profuntity of her distress? (he doesn't respect her). What ever happened to discretion? Does he also jack off in front of the kids? Probably not, most men would be offended at such a comment. And most women are offended at other women becoming primary in their own home. Most crass stuff should have a private place (that she doesn't investigate; and the kids truly can't find); and he, dear reader, needs to do some damage control. Because darlin' the issue isn't so much that the man want's to look, or responds to visual stimulous. It's possibly that he's subcumbed to an overexposure (like a gambler finding "free casino" on the internet), but what's absolutely true is that he's making his displayed, prominent, this-is-me-the-hell-with-you stash "the other woman", and putting her before you. It could be so-so-so-SO easy for him to put your mind at rest, let you know you're the one in his heart, the only one in his arms, and the rest is just sass for that right fist in private (make it easier for you to respect and not go there). Smart Alpha's know how to keep a strong broad cleve to them. But he's not doing this, is he? Silly boy, ignorant silly boy. If the woman doesn't have her place primary with him, why stay around? There are much stronger, smarter, and far more respectful men out there dear heart, who manage their live female & and enjoyment of that which is crash with respect for that which he wants to retain (he'd know how to have his cake and eat you too). Leave the boy dear; a man would know better.
Much of modern porn is extremely degrading to women. I refuse to date anyone who looks at porn (there are plenty of men who don't).
Men who use porn are NOT good lovers.
To assume that men are incapable of restraining themselves from porn is to make not-very-nice assumptions about men.
How long have you dated the person who did not look at porn? Not long I suppose, and once you were out of his house he broke out the stash.
But to Disgusted and Revolted. All men will look at porn, it does not mean they are secretive sickos. I will sometimes look up some porn while my girlfriend is out. I find some of this extremely disgusting stuff hilarious (fun to talk about when with other guys... "I once saw this chick take on a horse and dog at once... blah blah blah"). And my girlfriend will watch some porn with me, but it usually has to have a story (atleast as much of one as possible). But I'm not saying something is wrong with you for being disturbed by this.
On the other hand, the way you are reacting to him is wrong. If you turn yourself off from him completely, your husband will have no other place to "get his jollies off" but from porn.
What needs to happen is a good old talk to happen. And you need to COMPROMISE. You cannot expect him to drop his habbit just like that, but he cannot expect you just to get over it. Have a calm discussion and explain your feelings.
Also, porn acts as a way for men to visualize thier fantasies. But you could make it so that he does not need to visualize them. You could put on something provocative and give him some excitement. He will not be thinking about those porn stars when he has you. Remember he married YOU, if he wanted a girl who looked like a porn star I'm sure he could pick one up at a bar easily.
There are at least two sides to this that I can address.
I am fully in support of some kinds of porn. SOME. It's a release for those who need it, cheaper and less potentially troublesome than a cat house, and (when done right) won't effect any healthy relationship. My boyfriend has his collection, and he's welcome to it. As long as I'm a priority when we're together...
Not enough detail to say whether she's overreacting or there's a problem. If it's just standard (no beastiality, no snuff, no kiddie porn, no heavy violence, etc.), then it should just be porn. If it's on the list of WTF porn... well, I'd throw up, too.
If she's had some sort of trauma that causes her to have trouble dealing with porn (rape, molestation, etc.), then it's her job to tell him so. If he was aware of her having issues with it, then it's his job to respect that. I'm not saying he can't watch, but he should do so in a way that won't disturb her. Clearing out cookies and history, etc.
I've known at least one person who's sexual interests were so against my own that I could never date the guy. I'm big on consensuality and he's not.
Bottom line: if neither party can compromise, get out now and find somebody who better suits. If you think you can fix it, and it's worth fixing, give it a try.
Learn to let go. Do a few things the girls in the videos do. Just enough to please him
Okay, i think its wrong to say that she is at fault. If he husband is watching kiddie porn or something along that line, she has every right to be upset. Just saying, we may not have he full story
What is wrong with you people. Kiddie porn? Porn is porn. Eighteen year olds are children. There is no line to draw. All you husbands and fathers better be prepared for when your daughters start doing it, cause they might.
Then will it be okay when they are having sex with multiple people for your pleasure or do the rules suddenly change? Grow up and get healthy cause you really are sick. What kind of people are you? Porn is degrading and devaluing to women straight out not to mention the serious implications and consequences society faces today because of it. I feel for you and suggest counselling, I believe your husband can get healthy by making a conscience decision to give it up. Your marriage and sex life would be much stronger if you relied on your own imaginations and open communications. My heart goes out to you and good luck.
Hi there...
I am a woman and I guess I can almost understand your point of view. However, I enjoy porn and I encourage my boyfriend to look at it. I'm sorry that your husband's porn habit disgusts you, but it's a totally natural thing! Sex is natural, and finding healthy ways to release sexual tensions is important to a person's health.
I guess, like Harlan replied to PORN ENTHUSIAST today in the paper, that "we can live without it." Of course, I can live without fruit if I really wanted to, but it's a healthy part of my diet. I can choose not to eat fruit (just like you choose not to enjoy porn), but that's my choice, just like it's your husbands choice whether or not to look at pornography.
No matter what you saw that made you disgusted, sex is nothing new to the earth, and I can 100% guarantee you that whatever you saw has been going on for thousands of years, not matter what people say.
Every person has very different seuxal preferences, and you need to learn to be open to whatever they are. I suggest you be entirely open with your husband about this, no matter how hard it is, rather than writing to a columnist that knows nothing except for what you've told him. You could even go to counseling, together as a couple. But just remember that sex is as natural to humans as eating, drinking, and sleeping are--we NEED it because we need to procreate, and if your husband doesn't quite get what he needs without porn, it's understandble. I know I need more than what my boyfriend can give me, and that's ok; we've talked about it and he knows what I do. So just be open with your husband, and understanding as well.
Dear Disgusted,
If you have explained how deeply your husbands interest in pornography affects him in the terms you have here, it would be impossible for him to not understand your concern. Have you? If you haven't, the first step is making a clear explanation as you have here. If you do that, or have done that, and he has no response at all, he either is unwilling to really listen to you on an important issue, or is dismissive and apathetic to your concern. In that case, there is a serious lack of respect in your relationship, and you should seek professional counseling.
That said, it also seems clear that the burden of resolving this conflict lies with both of you. You have not said that (1) your husband is addicted to porn, or watches porn all the time, or cannot function without watching porn throughout the day, (2) that your husband is not attracted to you, or (3) that your husband is not interested in a healthy, regular sex life with you. What you HAVE said is that (1) you feel unnatractive, (2) you can't stop thinking that he is fantasizing about porn stars while he's having sex with you, (3) are afraid that his use of porn means he could be a sex criminal, and (4) some porn is so nasty it makes you vomit.
Chances are, if your husband wants to make love to you on a regular basis, he is attracted to you. Chances are he is thinking about you, not porn actresses, while you make love. And since an overwhelming majority of normal men enjoy porn in some form, each having their own preferences and 'kinks,' chances are your husband is not a sexual predator waiting to come out.
The fact that you would so deeply fear this is an indication that your your fear and disgust over porn is irrational. At the same time, your embarassment about your body and your steadfast belief that your husband is never thinking of you in the bedroom shows that your self esteem is in need of serious work. Pornography is a small but significant component in the normal, healthy daily lives of a great many men, and it is not fair for you to ask him to give it up where it hasn't prevented him from being a complete husband to you. Your feelings, not his actions are what make this such a large problem in your relationship.
Marriage is a partnership, and requires the participation of both you and him in resolving problems. For his part, your husband needs to be sensitive to your feelings, have a meaningul dialogue on the issue, and make some concessions for your comfort. At the same time, though, you need to be willing to seek professional help to address your negative feelings, about porn, and even more importantly, about yourself.
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