Help Me, Harlan!

HARLAN CHAT
- May 03, 2001 -

YAHOOMC: Harlan is here!

HELP ME, HARLAN: Hey, it's great to be here!!!

HELP ME, HARLAN: it's hot

HELP ME, HARLAN: very hot in here

HELP ME, HARLAN: anyone hot, too

HELP ME, HARLAN: It's amazing to be here today. What a day! What a week.

HELP ME, HARLAN: You can't see it, but I have a crown in my mouth - recently installed.

HELP ME, HARLAN: It fits perfectly! I also had a birthday this week (it was mine).

HELP ME, HARLAN: It was very cool. Got some great gifts this year.

HELP ME, HARLAN: Thanks to the Mathews family of Albany, NY for the birthday Steaks.

HELP ME, HARLAN: I don't usually eat meat that comes in the mail, but that was delicious. Thanks again!

HELP ME, HARLAN: So, I'd like to thank all the college newspaper readers who have stopped by here today and who have followed my Help Me, Harlan! column

this year.

HELP ME, HARLAN: The semester is winding down for you. I wanted to wish everyone good luck in finals.

HELP ME, HARLAN: Real quick, for anyone who knows someone who going off to college,

HELP ME, HARLAN: my new book "Campus Life Exposed: Advice from the Inside" is a very cool gift idea.

HELP ME, HARLAN: Perfect for graduation.

HELP ME, HARLAN: I know it's not cool to pitch my stuff, but seriously, it's not a bad book… I put a lot of work into it… and I've gotten some amazing feedback.

HELP ME, HARLAN: You can find info after the chat at: www.helpmeharlan.com

HELP ME, HARLAN: Just a reminder, I'm not a doctor or therapist. I've been writing my column for about 7 years. It reaches about one million readers weekly.

HELP ME, HARLAN: I've seen a lot and hear a lot, but your voices are EQUALLY as important.

HELP ME, HARLAN: SEND IN YOUR REPLIES, YOUR THOUGHTS, and YOUR COMMENTS (even the offensive ones).

dazzel_chick: Happy Birthday

HELP ME, HARLAN: Let's get going already!!!!!!!!

HELP ME, HARLAN: Hey, thanks!

HELP ME, HARLAN: it was very happy

HELP ME, HARLAN: I found new hairs on my body

HELP ME, HARLAN: but i'll wait to sneak that in to an answer when it's more appropriate

crazycaligirl23: I have a question, I am going home for summer after my first year of college and don't know how to deal with my old boyfriend.

HELP ME, HARLAN: I don't know your history

HELP ME, HARLAN: or why this would something so hard

HELP ME, HARLAN: but it doesn't have to be

HELP ME, HARLAN: he's your "old boyfriend"

HELP ME, HARLAN: that means he's not your current boyfriend

HELP ME, HARLAN: so you can be his friend

HELP ME, HARLAN: or you can not be his friend

HELP ME, HARLAN: and if he has a problem with being a friend

HELP ME, HARLAN: then that's his problem

HELP ME, HARLAN: so it should be a problem...

lady_queen_2000: i am having trouble getting along with my boyfriends mother.......i try to talk to her and be friends but she don't want me around

HELP ME, HARLAN: Yeah,

HELP ME, HARLAN: that's rough

HELP ME, HARLAN: maybe if you were older you could play bridge with her

HELP ME, HARLAN: or something

HELP ME, HARLAN: but then

HELP ME, HARLAN: you would be this older woman dating her son

HELP ME, HARLAN: which isn't much better

HELP ME, HARLAN: The key here is to stop trying

HELP ME, HARLAN: be nice

HELP ME, HARLAN: be respectful

HELP ME, HARLAN: and don't try so hard

HELP ME, HARLAN: this isn't about you

HELP ME, HARLAN: it's about her having a hard time seeing someone with her son

HELP ME, HARLAN: it's not easy to see

HELP ME, HARLAN: a son

HELP ME, HARLAN: get lots of love from someone else

HELP ME, HARLAN: the best approach is

HELP ME, HARLAN: to enjoy your boyfirend

HELP ME, HARLAN: treat him well

HELP ME, HARLAN: be wonderful around his mother

HELP ME, HARLAN: and hope that over time

HELP ME, HARLAN: and that should ultimately help her to be happy

HELP ME, HARLAN: just be cool

HELP ME, HARLAN: and one last thing

HELP ME, HARLAN: try not to make a huge deal of this...

HELP ME, HARLAN: if possible

HELP ME, HARLAN: this again, assuming his mom isn't abusive toward you...

HELP ME, HARLAN: the last think you want to do is make your boyfriend choose between you and his mom

HELP ME, HARLAN: chances are...

HELP ME, HARLAN: MOM wins

HELP ME, HARLAN: And anyone who has been ther

HELP ME, HARLAN: and had a parents of someone you date drive you crazy

HELP ME, HARLAN: feel free to send in you comments

HELP ME, HARLAN: thanks!

Akira_Kami: my gf and i just broke up 4 days ago.... she says she still loves me but that she wants to be alone now....is this worth pursuing? should i call

her after a week or two or wait for her to call me?

HELP ME, HARLAN: doesn't that suck?

HELP ME, HARLAN: She tells you she loves you

HELP ME, HARLAN: but needs to get far away from you....

HELP ME, HARLAN: the irony

HELP ME, HARLAN: you know...

HELP ME, HARLAN: you're approaching the right way

HELP ME, HARLAN: she needs to figure out what she wants

HELP ME, HARLAN: and giving her that space

HELP ME, HARLAN: is the best ways to deal with it

HELP ME, HARLAN: it's also horribly hard

HELP ME, HARLAN: but it's what you have to do... because if you respect her and love her

HELP ME, HARLAN: then that's what you NEED to do

HELP ME, HARLAN: assuming she knows how you feel... lay low for a little bit

HELP ME, HARLAN: give her a time to call you

HELP ME, HARLAN: and reach out to you

HELP ME, HARLAN: make sure she knows how you feel

HELP ME, HARLAN: and give her a week or two

HELP ME, HARLAN: let her think

HELP ME, HARLAN: and give her the space

HELP ME, HARLAN: and hope she wants exactly what you want

HELP ME, HARLAN: and if this thing shouldn't work out...

HELP ME, HARLAN: that's okay

HELP ME, HARLAN: you should only be with someone who really appreciates you

HELP ME, HARLAN: this is hard

HELP ME, HARLAN: but it will have a happy ending, with or without her

HELP ME, HARLAN: And any comments

HELP ME, HARLAN: really throw them my way

HELP ME, HARLAN: these questions can have lots of answers....

rhonda_rain: My fiance doesn't seem to want to tell me what he does. I think it's not to worry me...but how do I keep from being mad and annoyed

about the whole situation?

HELP ME, HARLAN: Have seen the Sopranos?

HELP ME, HARLAN: you might not want to know....

HELP ME, HARLAN: but he is your fiance and you should know what he does

HELP ME, HARLAN: if he leaves every morning in a firefighters outfit

HELP ME, HARLAN: you can assume

HELP ME, HARLAN: he's either a firefighter

HELP ME, HARLAN: or an exotic dancer

HELP ME, HARLAN: who is known as "the hose"

HELP ME, HARLAN: But REALLY you need to know

HELP ME, HARLAN: that's not much to ask

HELP ME, HARLAN: and if he can't tell you

HELP ME, HARLAN: he needs to explain why

HELP ME, HARLAN: and you need to decide if that's a sufficient answer

HELP ME, HARLAN: sounds very suspicious

HELP ME, HARLAN: to me....

scarlett_dowdy: OK, i'm 14 years old, and a female. there's this new boy at school and he came about a month ago. Usually with guys i think are cute,

i'm really outgoing and will talk with them. but, with this new guy, i acted normal the first two days but after that, i started to really like him and now i'm

afraid to even talk to him! what does this mean??

HELP ME, HARLAN: it means there's a only a few more weeks of school and long summer ahead of NEVER knowing

HELP ME, HARLAN: so say something

HELP ME, HARLAN: anything

HELP ME, HARLAN: and let himk now you're interested

HELP ME, HARLAN: and see if you guys can hang out over the summer...

HELP ME, HARLAN: just as friends...

HELP ME, HARLAN: and then see what happens

HELP ME, HARLAN: and if he's not interested in more than friends

HELP ME, HARLAN: that's cool

HELP ME, HARLAN: then you can spend your time

HELP ME, HARLAN: and energy

HELP ME, HARLAN: looking at a new guy

HELP ME, HARLAN: and this other guy

HELP ME, HARLAN: can look at you and think....

HELP ME, HARLAN: "I wish i said yes when I had the chance"

HELP ME, HARLAN: just say something

HELP ME, HARLAN: if you do nothing

HELP ME, HARLAN: and he does nothing

HELP ME, HARLAN: then nothing will happen....

HELP ME, HARLAN: and it's a long hot sultry summer

HELP ME, HARLAN: Hey, speaking of summer

HELP ME, HARLAN: I'm going to be in Seventeen Magazine in the upcoming July issue

HELP ME, HARLAN: check it out... and we're doing a SEVENTEEN CHAT on June 21st

WycombeFan: i live in england and have had major problems trying to find someone since coming to university. i was born with a hare lip and cleft

palate and i find that a lot of the girls here are obsessed with looks.

HELP ME, HARLAN: And there are some who will LOVE your look

HELP ME, HARLAN: they say women

HELP ME, HARLAN: like men who kind remind them of their fathers...

HELP ME, HARLAN: in looks and personality

HELP ME, HARLAN: so... think about all the women

HELP ME, HARLAN: who have fathers and grandfathers and greatgrandfathers with a cleft palate

HELP ME, HARLAN: they'll see you and become overcome with this powerful attraction

HELP ME, HARLAN: someone might find your look unique

HELP ME, HARLAN: and powerfully attractive

HELP ME, HARLAN: everyone has a different look

HELP ME, HARLAN: and who is to say one is better than the other

HELP ME, HARLAN: so if you don't do well at parties or at pubs

HELP ME, HARLAN: try putting yourself in situations where people can get to know your personality, too

HELP ME, HARLAN: once you start rejecting yourself, you're doomed

HELP ME, HARLAN: be happy with what you have

HELP ME, HARLAN: and other these look conscious women will find you attractive

HELP ME, HARLAN: everyone has something

HELP ME, HARLAN: me, my ears stick out

HELP ME, HARLAN: some people are too tall or too short

HELP ME, HARLAN: too thin or too heavy

HELP ME, HARLAN: but walk down the street and you all kind of people holding hands

HELP ME, HARLAN: there is someone out there for you

HELP ME, HARLAN: probably many

HELP ME, HARLAN: now go

HELP ME, HARLAN: leave

HELP ME, HARLAN: start asking them out...

bwaystar2b: is that you picture Harlan? on the ad?

HELP ME, HARLAN: yeah

HELP ME, HARLAN: but my head is not really encased in a pink heart

born_2_drive_trucks: whats the best way to go about rooming with your girlfriend for the upcoming school year cause im plaining on rooming in the

couples dorm at my school

HELP ME, HARLAN: if you're not married or not engaged... WHY?

HELP ME, HARLAN: really

HELP ME, HARLAN: you're on the same campus

HELP ME, HARLAN: you're probably no more than few blocks from each other

HELP ME, HARLAN: you'll have your whole life to live together

HELP ME, HARLAN: and you can spend nights together

HELP ME, HARLAN: it could work out

HELP ME, HARLAN: but it's so important to be independent, too

HELP ME, HARLAN: and have your own interests

HELP ME, HARLAN: and time to yourself

HELP ME, HARLAN: it's a balance

HELP ME, HARLAN: i see it happen all the time...

HELP ME, HARLAN: i'm so curious why you want to move in together

HELP ME, HARLAN: unless you're married... or engaged

HELP ME, HARLAN: i say live close to each other

HELP ME, HARLAN: continue making friends outside of your relaitonship

HELP ME, HARLAN: and see each other a lot

HELP ME, HARLAN: I don't think that answers your question, but that's all i got for ya

HELP ME, HARLAN: AND ANY COMMENTS ARE WELCOME

johnny_rockin: what do you think of those systems for men to pick up women, they are sold for like 300 bucks and up about? They basicly teach

psychology and reverse psychology from what I understand. what do you think of them?

HELP ME, HARLAN: I think they're crap!

HELP ME, HARLAN: I think they take advantage of people

HELP ME, HARLAN: and that everyone is an individual and it's being and individual that makes people attractive

HELP ME, HARLAN: to read scripts

HELP ME, HARLAN: and practice lines so you can pick up a "chick" is crap

HELP ME, HARLAN: how long would that even last?

HELP ME, HARLAN: The secrets is to get comfortable with yourself...

HELP ME, HARLAN: and to GET REJECTED

HELP ME, HARLAN: and be willing to get rejected

HELP ME, HARLAN: I'm working on a new book project dealing with REJECTION

HELP ME, HARLAN: I've mentioned it here before

HELP ME, HARLAN: so if you're heard this before

HELP ME, HARLAN: you can either get up

HELP ME, HARLAN: close your eyes

HELP ME, HARLAN: but anyway...

HELP ME, HARLAN: WE are all big rejects

HELP ME, HARLAN: not all people are romantically compatible

HELP ME, HARLAN: I realized a few years ago that not EVERY woman will want to date me

HELP ME, HARLAN: and rub love oils all over me :)

HELP ME, HARLAN: that's a fact

HELP ME, HARLAN: it's normal

HELP ME, HARLAN: and that's totally cool

HELP ME, HARLAN: because there are millions of people out there

HELP ME, HARLAN: eveyrone has a different idea of attractive

HELP ME, HARLAN: but TOO MANY people are afraid

HELP ME, HARLAN: to make that first move

HELP ME, HARLAN: they say they're "shy

HELP ME, HARLAN: assuming the shyness

HELP ME, HARLAN: isn't a medical condition or social phobia

HELP ME, HARLAN: i find in the letters

HELP ME, HARLAN: i get over and over again

HELP ME, HARLAN: it's a fear of rejection!

HELP ME, HARLAN: but we are all rejects

HELP ME, HARLAN: so go out and get rejected

HELP ME, HARLAN: to prove we are all big rejects

HELP ME, HARLAN: I'm working on this new book

HELP ME, HARLAN: and I'm looking for your reject stories....

HELP ME, HARLAN: it's time to celebrate relationship rejection!!!!

HELP ME, HARLAN: and it's time for people to

HELP ME, HARLAN: risk rejection

HELP ME, HARLAN: and meet one another

HELP ME, HARLAN: then they won't have to take a course for $300.00 dollars and learn the lingo to get laid

HELP ME, HARLAN: I hate those systems....

sweetzgoddess: HARLAN... I WILL TELL YOU ONE!

HELP ME, HARLAN: please... i have a reject form set up at www.helpmeharlan.com/reject.html

HELP ME, HARLAN: O

johnny_rockin: rejection is a big part of life, not just in relationships but all aspects, whether it be a girl, a job, etc.. How is the best way in your oppinion

to deal with rejection?

HELP ME, HARLAN: To do some reject training

HELP ME, HARLAN: get comfortable with yourself physically emotionally and spiritually...

HELP ME, HARLAN: and then throw yourself into the path of rejection

johnny_rockin: so if I am the ugliest guy at the party should I just say screw rejection and go for the good looking lady out of my league, and hell if i get

rejected who cares....

HELP ME, HARLAN: sure, because the good looking lady might be looking for you

HELP ME, HARLAN: you never know

HELP ME, HARLAN: but MOST people NEVER try

little_msfickle: i think that you just have to keep moving, why wallow in your rejection? it makes you stronger!

HELP ME, HARLAN: exactly... and then you can move on...

HELP ME, HARLAN: and get rejected again

HELP ME, HARLAN: and then eventually fall in lofe

HELP ME, HARLAN: that's love

HELP ME, HARLAN: and know it's totally right

HELP ME, HARLAN: okay, enough

HELP ME, HARLAN: rejection

fejacobsen: My now exboyfriend started using drugs a few weeks ago. Since then he has completely isolated himself from me because he knows that I

don't approve of it. What can I do to keep contact with him and let him know that I'll be there for him even though he doesn't really want to have

anything to do with me?

HELP ME, HARLAN: You sent him a note and tell him you're always there

HELP ME, HARLAN: if you think he's hurting himself

HELP ME, HARLAN: you can tell his parents or an authority figure

HELP ME, HARLAN: beyond that...

HELP ME, HARLAN: there isn't much more you can do

HELP ME, HARLAN: so don't lose sleep over it

Penelopez_groove: i don't have a problem with my self esteem; i always get many dates but i feel as soon as we become boyfriend and girlfriend, i

tighten up..then we end up breaking up?.i've tried to break the cycle.. but i can't...help!!

HELP ME, HARLAN: It's hard for me or even a therapist to tell you how to break the cycle

HELP ME, HARLAN: in a chat format

HELP ME, HARLAN: if this is happening again and again and again

HELP ME, HARLAN: get some help

HELP ME, HARLAN: talk it out

HELP ME, HARLAN: find out if there is something more deeply rooted in your past that is setting you into the pattern

HELP ME, HARLAN: and if you're a college student

HELP ME, HARLAN: there is almost always FREE counseling

HELP ME, HARLAN: on campus

HELP ME, HARLAN: or if you're not in college

HELP ME, HARLAN: you can find counseling with a sliding fee

HELP ME, HARLAN: meaning you only pay what you can afford!

nymphogurl81: My guy is a big flirt. I don't think he'd ever cheat on me, but its disrespectful. Plus, I'm sure one of these women will respond to what

they think are his come-ons. Can I make him stop?

HELP ME, HARLAN: He's a flirt

HELP ME, HARLAN: and you know he's a flirt

HELP ME, HARLAN: he probably flirted with you before he started dating you

HELP ME, HARLAN: but... it never stopped

HELP ME, HARLAN: it's fun to flirt

HELP ME, HARLAN: it's fun to feel wanted

HELP ME, HARLAN: he's with you and chances are he likes you

HELP ME, HARLAN: so trust him

HELP ME, HARLAN: but if you can't trust him

HELP ME, HARLAN: then you can't date him

HELP ME, HARLAN: think about it this way

HELP ME, HARLAN: you and he can both be with other people... and you choose to be with each other

HELP ME, HARLAN: that says a lot...

HELP ME, HARLAN: that said... if he's staring at the waitress and grabbing ass that's unacceptable

just4chillin20: Hello, this girl in one of my classes likes me and I confronted her about it, she told me straight up she thinks I'm cute, but she doesn't

know me very well. I agreed and we've been going out to lunch together and really getting to know each other better the past week. I know she's into

me because she's always flirting with me (slapping my butt, winking at me, etc.)....?

HELP ME, HARLAN: right on

HELP ME, HARLAN: all right...

HELP ME, HARLAN: i don't know what the hell that was....

HELP ME, HARLAN: but that's cool for him

sharkbabe007: I went out on my 2nd date and still he has not kisses me, is there something wrong?

HELP ME, HARLAN: Kiss him on the third date....

HELP ME, HARLAN: he's probably just scared and nervous

HELP ME, HARLAN: you woul dthink that after you slapped his butt and winked at him he would know....

HELP ME, HARLAN: just give him a little peck on the cheek and see where it goes

HELP ME, HARLAN: and that's the cheek above neck

HELP ME, HARLAN: in case you were confused....

briangie88: I have been with my fiancee for 2 years and he is getting very controlling. He does not want me to go anywhere without him and does not

even like me chattin on the computer. How can I let him know that I am doing nothing wrong?

HELP ME, HARLAN: I think fiance has only one "e"

HELP ME, HARLAN: two e's is a girl

HELP ME, HARLAN: that always trips me up

HELP ME, HARLAN: but it changes the visual picture soooo much

HELP ME, HARLAN: but the he clued me in :)

HELP ME, HARLAN: Sooooo

HELP ME, HARLAN: a controlling fiance only becomes a more controlling husband

HELP ME, HARLAN: this is bad

HELP ME, HARLAN: and it's only going to get worse

HELP ME, HARLAN: you need to have a SERIOUS talk

HELP ME, HARLAN: because if this continues

HELP ME, HARLAN: you need to think long and hard about the future

HELP ME, HARLAN: because this is TOTALLY unhealthy

HELP ME, HARLAN: the best couples

HELP ME, HARLAN: are people who have friends and interests outside of each other

HELP ME, HARLAN: you need to have your life

HELP ME, HARLAN: and you need to have your life with him

HELP ME, HARLAN: if he can't handle that

HELP ME, HARLAN: then you're not the woman for him

HELP ME, HARLAN: tell him that you're VERY concerned

HELP ME, HARLAN: let him know that you love him, but this is becoming a real problem

HELP ME, HARLAN: see is he gets better...

HELP ME, HARLAN: you can even try couples counseling

HELP ME, HARLAN: but DO NOT marry a controlling fiance

HELP ME, HARLAN: please

beachgirl_ca2001: Harlan, what do you think about dating in the workplace? There is someone at my job that I flirt with all the time and he flirts back

but not sure if we should take it a step further. What's your opinion, and your's too Yahoomc Thanks!! :)

HELP ME, HARLAN: Well, YahooMC and I just split up

HELP ME, HARLAN: and there's A LOT of TENSION HERE

HELP ME, HARLAN: and remember CHAT DIVA

HELP ME, HARLAN: WE BROKE UP TOO

YAHOOMC: Harlan is a real player, people!

HELP ME, HARLAN: see

HELP ME, HARLAN: this is what I'm talking about

HELP ME, HARLAN: YAHOO MC talks smack

HELP ME, HARLAN: i hate it

HELP ME, HARLAN: anyway...

HELP ME, HARLAN: it's dangerous

HELP ME, HARLAN: unless you think this is something that can be TOTALLY serious

HELP ME, HARLAN: and long lasting

HELP ME, HARLAN: don't do it

HELP ME, HARLAN: at the very least

HELP ME, HARLAN: take it slow

HELP ME, HARLAN: get to be great friends

HELP ME, HARLAN: a lot of people fall in love at work

HELP ME, HARLAN: it makes sense

HELP ME, HARLAN: you're in contact with people for hours upon hours

HELP ME, HARLAN: me, I work in an office alone

HELP ME, HARLAN: (i was just kidding about YahooMC)

HELP ME, HARLAN: and i fell in love with myself

HELP ME, HARLAN: and it's been hard

HELP ME, HARLAN: but i think we'll work through it

HELP ME, HARLAN: in conclusiojn

HELP ME, HARLAN: take it VERY slow

HELP ME, HARLAN: and have a plan should you date and break up

HELP ME, HARLAN: like another job option

HELP ME, HARLAN: the only thing worse than a bad break-up is spending 40 + hours a week with your ex

YAHOOMC: For what it's worth...

YAHOOMC: My past attempts to fish off the company pier...

YAHOOMC: all ended in disaster!

YAHOOMC: Hey Harlan, the hour flew by today...

HELP ME, HARLAN: oh man.. we're done?

YAHOOMC: Yes, I'm pulling the plug on you for telling everyone about us!

HELP ME, HARLAN: yeah... fishing off the company pier

HELP ME, HARLAN: fishing analogies always hit home

HELP ME, HARLAN: especially with the big fishing audience we seem to attract every week.

HELP ME, HARLAN: so....

HELP ME, HARLAN: sorry if we didn't get to your question

HELP ME, HARLAN: you can check out current and past Q & A at www.helpmeharlan.com

HELP ME, HARLAN: and you can get info on my book

HELP ME, HARLAN: and send in reject letters

HELP ME, HARLAN: i'm giving away copies of Campus Life Exposed for the best Reject Letters

HELP ME, HARLAN: thanks again for stopping by

HELP ME, HARLAN: i hope this helped...

HELP ME, HARLAN: I'll be back next week at the same time and place

HELP ME, HARLAN: and thanks to Yahoomc!

HELP ME, HARLAN: Have a great night or day or whatever it is.....

HELP ME, HARLAN: See ya!

YAHOOMC: Thanks, Harlan...

YAHOOMC: It's been a blast, as always...

YAHOOMC: See you next week, everybody!